the straw and the camel's back

[mmegaera]

Some of you will have seen this twice, but...

Well, this is the end of an epoch for me. I've been a member of the Bujold mailing list for seventeen years, but I finally unsubscribed yesterday. Not, as most people apparently do, because of the volume, at least not in the traditional sense of the word, but because that volume simply got too ugly for me to deal with anymore. I'm not in a place where I can deal with that sort of ugliness right now, and may I say now how glad I am that there are other ways I'm staying connected with the many friends I did make there, including here?

Comments

[dfledermaus]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. In fact I just rejoined a couple of days ago and thought that the tone was significantly better than when I unsubbed. The volume seems to have dwindled considerably also.

[mmegaera]

Really? The volume went *way* up over the last few days, and it was seriously contentious. Are we talking about the same list [wry g]?

[dfledermaus]

Well, when I gave up in disgust two years ago pretty much every day had 8-10 digests, and they were composed of Tel vs. Someone (don't remember who) in a vicious and pointless "Barrayar is evil/Komarr is saintly" battle that managed to contaminate every single thread, regardless of the subject it started out with.

List blowups used to happen about once every 6 months when I first joined, then after a while it was every three months, then every month, every week...I gave up before it went to every day.

I'm going to try to be better about contributing to on-topic threads, and might end up just filtering out OT: threads entirely.

I'm sorry this was the breaking point for you though, and hope your family situation gets better.

[mmegaera]

Oh, yes. I remember Tel vividly. Those didn't feel like personal attacks *on me*, though, the way this did (we all have different triggers, and this one hit me right in a bad spot at a bad time), nor were the responses to my objections basically "you don't have the right to feel the way you do." It's not the first time I've felt attacked on list, but the other times I've had the emotional wherewithal to deal with it.

Anyway, thanks for the good thoughts. My 92-year-old mother is dying in slow motion, and basically fell off a mental and physical cliff this week. I'm not my usual perky self right now [sigh].

[castiron]

I'm sorry to hear that it's gone ugly. I'm technically still subscribed but have been on no-mail for many years now.

[mmegaera]

I just want you to know, too, that the email you sent me is still sitting there waiting to be answered [wry g]. I'm just not in a good mental place for that sort of thing due to what feels like a chronic family crisis (is that an oxymoron?), but hopefully I will be coming out on the other side of it one of these days.

[castiron]

Not a problem! Just because it's email doesn't mean it *has* to be fast correspondence ;-).

[mmegaera]

Thanks!

[thnidu]

Bastard's demons! I'm sad to hear that the list has gone nasty, and I'm sure I do not want to go see in what way. I haven't followed it in a long time, though I'm not sure whether I canceled my subscription, or set it to no mail, or set my email to "skip inbox and file it". I'm a strong fan of the Vorkosigan saga and the World of the Five Gods, including Penric, and I _really really_ hope she finishes the series into a proper pentalogy, but I couldn't maintain interest in the Sharing Knife series past the first long book.

[mmegaera]

I'm about where you are with Lois's books (if I want to hang out with horrible relatives, I have plenty of my own, thanks, without reading the Sharing Knife books).

And no, you don't want to go read those bullies that have begun to populate the list.

[thnidu]

Oh darn, I meant to wear gray for the Father today.

[nishatalitha]

I was sorry to hear you left (am horribly behind with various pieces of correspondence). I'm still there, but I lurk and skim most of the messages. List was shocked into dropping the fairly awful conversation and started talking about why it's great to be there instead... the last couple of days have been much more pleasant.

I also am glad for the people I have met through the list.

[mmegaera]

Thanks.

I'm glad for the list that it's doing better again for now. But at this point there's no way I'm going back.

[threeringedmoon]

I finally broke down and looked at the threads around the 20th and am now assuming that the one called Worldview led to your unsubscribing. I only read part way before I decided I didn't need to read any further.

[mmegaera]

Yes, that was the thread in question. Gwynne can be erudite and interesting, but she can also be incredibly cruel and unseeing/uncaring of the damage she's doing, and more than willing and able to bully and be nasty to make her point when she should be realizing that her personal hot buttons are no excuse for what she's doing.

[kk1raven]

If it feels ugly to you, I think that's a good decision. Online communities should bring something good to our lives, not create stress or aggravation. I ignore a lot of what gets said there. When I have time, I read discussions until they bore or annoy me then I quit and move on to a different discussion. I killfiled the most annoying people a long time ago and there are a few more I should get around to killfiling.

[mmegaera]

I've actually seen it worse on the list, but I'm not in a place mentally or emotionally to deal with bullies, because of relative stuff (my mother is in hospice and it's only a matter of a day or two now, apparently).

Anyone being unkind where I can see it is just more than I can deal with at this point. Esp. since I know what I'm going to have to deal with when I go down to Texas for the funeral (my sisters and I are all estranged from each other, and it's not pretty when we have to be in the same room together).

Anyway, sorry for dumping.

[kk1raven]

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I can see how that would make you emotionally fragile, particularly when having to deal with your sisters as well. I hope the funeral turns out to be less stressful than you expect. My experience is that such things sometimes bring out the best in people and other times the worst. I hope for your sake that it is the best.

[mmegaera]

Thanks.