I need some opinions, please

[mmegaera]

So. I filled out a form for Indies Unlimited to have my book Sojourn included in their new releases post for December.

I got an email back from them today saying that they approve of my submission except for one thing. They find one of the lines in my blurb confusing, and want me to change it, not just for their post, but on Amazon and my other sales pages.

My first reaction was, say what?

I'm fine with changing the blurb for their site if they dislike that line so much, but on my sales sites? Isn't that a bit much for them to ask?

Anyway, the blurb in question is below, with the line in question underlined. I'd really like input on two things -- one, do you find the line in question confusing, and two, do you think these folks should be asking people to change things on their sales sites to suit this one website?

Time isn’t everything it appears to be.

State trooper Daniel Reilly never thought he’d wind up in his stepmother’s favorite movie. Chasing a suspected drunk driver through Washington’s desolate Okanogan Highlands is part of his job, but crashing his cruiser and waking up in a ghost town definitely isn’t. And when that ghost town starts to come to life?

His version of Brigadoon is not a carefree musical.

Comments

[azurelunatic]

It isn't confusing to me, but it is a very internetty/spoken sort of sentence. So I wouldn't be surprised to find that someone who is not used to reading by internet conventions might trip over it a bit.

I'm kind of aghast at the thought that they'd ask for you to change it everywhere.

[mmegaera]

You see writing like that in blurbs all the time, though. Or at least I do [g].

I was aghast, too (good word choice there).

[sraun]

That's a rather critical part of the blurb! I'd counter with 'what's wrong with it', and try to come up with a re-write that keeps you both satisfied.

[mmegaera]

I did counter when I first received the email, and simply got a reiteration of, "it's confusing." So I don't think there's much I can do with them.

[sraun]

My reply to "it's confusing" would be "If you cannot tell me what about it is confusing, I cannot make it better. Please try to explain."

And then produce e-mails from the world saying that it's a very good sentence for describing the book.

[mmegaera]

It's not worth pursuing that hard. I thought when I signed up, hey, free publicity, because free publicity is always good in my book. Well, not this time.

[dfledermaus]

I agree that asking you to change for their site is not unreasonable, asking you to change anywhere else is. What if you switched the sentences around to put the action first? (In my example I also edited it to make it shorter - I don't think you need so many precise details in a blurb).

Chasing a suspected drunk driver through Washington's desolate landscape is part of Trooper Daniel Reilly's job, but crashing his cruiser and waking up in a ghost town definitely isn't. When that ghost town starts to come to life? Let's just say his version of Brigadoon is not a carefree musical.

[mmegaera]

The thing is, she wanted the line to be more specific because it was "confusing" to her. So the changes you made wouldn't address that. I'm not willing to make the line more specific because of spoilers. So I suspect that's the end of that.

Thanks!

[thnidu]

I can see them complaining because it's a sentence fragment, but I don't see that as a valid reason: it works here. How about changing the Q-mark to an ellipsis:?

State trooper Daniel Reilly never thought he’d wind up in his stepmother’s favorite movie. Chasing a suspected drunk driver through Washington’s desolate Okanogan Highlands is part of his job, but crashing his cruiser and waking up in a ghost town definitely isn’t. And when that ghost town starts to come to life...

His version of Brigadoon is not a carefree musical.

[mmegaera]

The grammar's not what's bothering them. At any rate, I politely declined.